When Bullies Grow Up

I’ll bet almost every adult remembers a time during childhood in which they were singled out and treated unkindly. For me, it was in 7th grade when an unkind (but probably clueless) kid named Pat drew a profile picture of me on a piece of notebook paper and captioned it “Ski Suzanne’s Nose.” He hung it up on the bulletin board in class and everyone laughed. I’ve never been able to look in the mirror and not first notice my nose’s shape since.

Kids can be cruel. This cruelty comes from models they’ve seen, a lack of empathy or kindness they’ve been shown, or elsewhere, but the collateral damage of this cruelty can be deep, wide, and long lasting.

Sadly, not every bully grows up and out of their tendency for unkind treatment of others. Last week, my daughter experienced a systemic example of this at the hands of some spiteful, jealous, mean-spirited grownups. And mama bear is not happy.

In the spring of 2017, the lacrosse team on which my daughter played was put into an uproar when a brave teenage girl reported a recurring instance of online bullying of one of her fellow players. There was concrete evidence of the bullying, and the impact on the bullied was significant. When the brave player brought the evidence to the coach, she promptly suspended the offenders – a decision that impacted the playoff season and set in motion a series of events that seems fit for a blockbuster movie. Unfortunately for the coach, the perpetrators of the bullying were closely aligned with the team’s leadership Board (which, ironically, was led mainly by parents of the boys’ team with which the girls team was tethered) who were none too happy with her decision to invoke consequences.

Because the sordid details are too granular for the point of this blog, I’ll spare you some of them, but suffice it to say that the next several weeks were rocky.  The coach was ultimately fired (after leading a very successful, winning season).The “mean girl” players were allowed to stay on the team, a new coach was hired, and the bullied (and those who witnessed it) were shaken and demoralized.

Being faced with the option of rejoining the team populated by leaders and players misaligned with the character of many others, a few parents banded together and created a new team that would co-exist and provide an alternative culture. This new team was not yet admitted into the North Texas league, and it was unclear whether league bylaws would accommodate its entry, but the girls and parents were willing to abide uncertainty in exchange for a positive team culture, a girl-specific team and leadership board, and the rehiring of their recently fired coach (who had coached many of the girls since elementary school). Ironically, the coach’s name is Faith. Seems a bit prophetic in hindsight.

Once the new team was formed, the response was overwhelming.  Nearly 75% of the players transferred (from elementary, middle, and high school teams – not just the affected high school team), and every single volunteer youth coach transferred to the alternative program. I can say with confidence that no one saw this coming, but the message was clear.  The culture of unkindness being validated within player groups and supported by leadership was seen and undesirable for most.  That lesson definitely taught.

Fast forward a year…

The alternate team ran practices, rented random patches of land on which to practice, pieced together a schedule of games with area teams who were sympathetic to the cause, created a logo and uniforms, and ran a program that was, aside from the prohibition of league entry, a great success.  Such a success, in fact, that the Parks committee and City Council granted primary city field access to the alternate team due to the size of the club in relationship to those who remained with the original group. 

The culture of the alternate team was unlike any I’ve witnessed in 21 years of being involved as a parent with club/group/team membership. The girls got together on weekends for unplanned and student-led practices.  They conducted clinics for younger players on a volunteer basis. They held fundraisers for operational expenses. They traveled to tournaments and often won and/or fared far better than expected compared to private school teams or long-standing groups with much stronger recruiting options and practice schedules. 

During the fall of the 2nd year, the positivity continued and the numbers continued to grow. Spring registration began, and the first practice of the season was 8 days away. 

And then an email was sent.

Out of the blue from the league governing board to every area lacrosse program.

Notifying everyone of the newly determined, severe consequences that would be leveraged against any team who scheduled and played games with teams outside of the league.

And there was only one team outside the league that any of them had played.

…

At the emergency HS player and parent meeting held three days later, the mood was somber. It felt punitive. It felt personal. It felt unnecessary. It felt like a systemic example of the bullying experience that had split the team 22 months prior. Except this time, the bullies were adults. 

Without lots of good options, and after appealing to league officials, national league leaders, and others, the team’s board decided to work to find an amicable rejoining of the town’s two teams. Board seats were discussed, tryouts and player skill evaluation was considered, levels of teams – D1, D2, and JV were discussed, and coaching leadership was discussed between both HS girls coaches who both seemed ready to make this work in the interest of all players. When the final offer of unification was sent from the original team’s board to the alternate team’s board, some boxes were checked, enough to try and make a go at it… except one.

The HS girls coach, Faith, was not included in the unification of the HS teams. In the same way that she was used as a pawn in the initial bullying incident. She was being used as one now.

Culture is a hard thing to change. Throughout the past two years, we’ve gotten to be part of a purpose-driven, positive culture through my daughter’s participation on this team – led by Faith. The news of the coach’s fate, was met with tears and heartbreak on the part of the girls. The seniors on this team are being faced with the choice of an abruptly ending final high school year of their sport or a move to a new team with leaders who are already showing, once again, their true, ugly colors.

For these kids, I’m sick that they’ve gotten to see this brand of ugly adulting in their young lives. I’m encouraged, however, about the fact that they’ve also gotten to learn some hopefully life-changing lessons about how to stand up for what you believe, lead from where you are, and see how attractive integrity and kindness are to others. There are ugly lessons in this too, and frankly, my disgust with the North Texas Lacrosse League’s handling of the situation, contradictory info about my daughter’s eligibility, and proclivity to make up rules on the fly, haven’t yet found a place of peace with me.

Though my senior will play her final game of a 10 year lacrosse career this Sunday and my frustration is still fresh and raw, when I have the gift of distance and perspective I know there will be so much gold in this season. Mentoring by an amazing Christian coach, experiencing purposeful civic advocacy, courageously standing up against those who’ve treated you unkindly, and being part of a truly one of a kind group of young women.

I’m not sure where my bully from 7th grade is these days. I’ve matured enough to believe that his cruelty likely came from a place of insecurity and the need to garner cheaply earned peer affirmation. That makes me a little sad now for the person he was then. In time, I will hopefully be able to find a way to see this lacrosse ugliness in a more compassionate light, although compassion for a 7th grader is easier to muster than for grown men and women.

Oh, and if you’re reading this and you need a great 12th grader to help teach your beginning laxer some good lessons, I know a girl with some time on her hands this spring.